Lost Control
by talkhard818
Summary: The first year of the Marauders at Hogwarts. Remus must deal with a dirty little secret, that has dire consequences.
1. Off to School

(A/N: This story already exists on Diva 937's account, but unlike hers, I've got another chapter posted. We both wrote it, I wrote most of the beginning, she wrote some stuff, just read and review. Flames will be laughed at and probably deleted, so you can make your own decision. Disclaimer: We're all dirty thieves usually too lazy to make our own characters and settings, and we deserve a kick in the pants. Ne sue pas, Rowling!)  
  
To the oblivious onlooker, this little British suburb would be the pinnacle of quiet, wholesome living. But for Rob Gordon, as he ran down the street, it was the equivalent of Hell. His night had started out OK. He'd read comics and had a game of Quidditch with his best friend Remus Lupin and a few kids around his wizard-inhabited neighborhood. Then he'd gone home, made dinner, and waited for his stepfather to come home.  
  
Rob's stepfather was an alcoholic. There was no light way of putting it. Rob's life at home was lived in constant fear of whether or not his stepfather would come home and beat him as he had done to Rob's mother, who was currently in the hospital. His stepfather had somehow managed to gloss everything over with the Ministry of Magic, and threatened to flay Rob within an inch of his life if he let anything get out. Today had been the breaking point.  
  
Rob had forgotten to do the dishes, or some trivial thing like that, and his stepfather snapped. He managed to get out alive, and he took off at a sprint down the street. He was sure he'd be caught by his stepfather at any second. But he reached the light of the Lupin's porch safely, and knocked rapidly on the door. Remus's mother opened the door, and Rob burst in. He collapsed on the floor gasping. His stomach was a web of pain where his stepfather had aimed a good, hard kick. Mrs. Lupin uttered a faint scream, and shut and locked the door. She helped Rob to his feet, where he launched into a breathless explanation of why he'd burst into their house at 10:30 P.M.  
  
"You did the right thing, sweetheart," she said, "Now let's clean you up and-" she was cut off by a loud, drunken cry from outside.  
  
"Where are ya, ya litte sonofabitch?!? Get out 'ere and take yer medicine! C'mon ya fuckin coward! When I'm done wiv you, ya'll wish ye were never born!!!"  
  
A harsh shudder passed through Rob. Mrs. Lupin picked up the phone that they had for emergencies if the Muggle police were needed, then sent an owl to the Ministry so they could take care of the...matters outside. She then set about fussing over Rob and cleaning his cuts. Remus ran downstairs at the shouting and stopped, mouth wide when he saw Rob.  
  
"Holy..." began Remus, and eyed his mom," ...crap! What happened to you?"  
  
"My stepdad snapped, finally, and attacked me in one of his drunken rages." he said, a bit too bluntly.  
  
"Rob!" exclaimed Mrs. Lupin.  
  
"No, it's OK. I'm fine with it. I can finally get out of that hellhole..." Mrs. Lupin ignored the last profanity and told remus to take Rob upstairs.  
  
"Thanks a lot, Mrs. L," he said, and gave her a half smile. Tears welled in Mrs. Lupin's eyes and she gave Rob a tight hug. He looked around awkwardly and followed Remus upstairs. Remus set him up a cot and threw him some pajamas.  
  
"You OK, man?" he asked him after he'd changed. Rob nodded, but Remus could see a tear slide down his face as he burrowed his head in the pillow and faced the wall.  
  
"Shut off the light, Remus," said Rob, his voice cracking. Remus gave him a sorrowful look and flicked off the lightswitch.  
  
The next day the boys went to Diagon Alley to buy their things for Hogwarts. Rob had a nice bruise going down his cheek that had darkened overnight. There were whispers of "Rogue..." and "What a little hooligan!" but Rob didn't seem to mind. They walked into a robe shop, and picked the proper ones to try on. Rob and Remus came out at the same time. Rob looked himself over.  
  
"Nice..." he said, "Stylin!"  
  
"Definitely," said Remus, "Ready to pick up some babes in these?" Another boy with jet-black hair stepped out of a change rooms. He did a double take at Rob's cheek.  
  
"Holy shit, man!" he exclaimed, "That's a shiner. What'd you do to deserve that?" Rob looked at the ceiling uncomfortably and said,  
  
"Erm...I, umm...fell off my broom playing Quidditch."  
  
"Oooh, I see. So are you good?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess. My name's Rob Gordon, and this is Remus Lupin. What's yours?"  
  
"I am the one and only Sirius Black!" he said rather arrogantly, then he laughed, "So, you're going to Hogwarts?"  
  
"Yeah. You are too, by the looks of it." said Remus. Sirius nodded. At that moment, a boy ran breathless into the shop.  
  
"THERE you are, Sirius. I've been looking all over for you. God, Mom's going to have a fit..."  
  
"Don't have a coronary, Joseph. I was just trying on robes..."said Sirius to the boy. To Remus and Rob, he said, "That's my big brother Joseph. Well, only big by a year." His voice went down to a whisper, "I can't STAND him...he's so mean to me..."  
  
"Come ON you little bugger," said Joseph impatiently. "We've still got to buy your wand, and there's a line a mile long at Ollivander's..."  
  
"Christ, Joe, take a pill..." said Sirius, "See you guys later!" He was pulled violently by Joseph out of the shop.  
  
The next morning, everyone got up early to go to Hogwarts. Rob went over to his house with Remus to get his things. It was dark, one of the windows was smashed, and a bottle of gin had spilled on the carpet, leaving the house with a bitter, acrid smell. Rob looked around disgustedly.  
  
"I can't believe this..." he said, "Let's just get my stuff and get out. I don't want to spend another second here." They gathered his stuff, and Remus walked out the door with his share. So they did, and headed back to Remus's. Mrs. Lupin shoved some toast into their hands, and they quickly changed and did their hair. They shoved their stuff into the back of a Ministry car Remus's parents had rented to get them to King's Cross. Through the barrier next to the train, Remus stood with as much patience as he could muster as his mother kissed him goodbye about six times, and his father gave him huge hugs, and pep talks. Finally Rob broke it up by announcing the time, and they ran up the stairs onto the train.  
  
The train was quite full, and they had trouble finding a compartment. Eventually, they happened upon a semi empty one that had two girls in it. Rob stuck his head in and asked to sit there. The girls regarded him for a moment, then agreed.  
  
"Hey," said Remus, following Rob in, "I'm Remus Lupin. What are your names?"  
  
"I'm Laura Thomson," said the first one. She had long, auburn hair and brown eyes.  
  
"I'm Caroline Leswick, " said the second one. She had blonde hair, brown eyes, and a very spindly figure, "Who're you?"  
  
"I'm Remus Lupin, and this is Rob Gordon." said Remus.  
  
"Well, take a seat boys," said Laura. Remus sat down beside Laura, and Rob beside Caroline.  
  
Remus looked at Laura for a minute. She was something special, he knew it. She was what he wanted, ever since he was old enough to want to meet girls.  
  
"So!" she began with a smile, "Remus Lupin. That's an interesting name."  
  
"Thanks," said Remus, "I like...your name too." At that moment, a plump witch pushing a cart full of food came up and offered them something. The girls declined, but both Remus and Rob bought stuff and offered it to the girls. Caroline delicately bit the edge off a cauldron cake that Rob had given her.  
  
"So Caroline," began Rob, "Where are you from?"  
  
"I'm from a little wizarding village just outside of Kent. I lived in a flat on Holloway Street in London for a bit, but I'm pure blood."  
  
"Oh, me too." said Rob. Caroline noticed the large bruise running down his cheek.  
  
"Oh, that looks like it hurt. How'd that happen?" she ran one finger delicately down his face, which sent a pleasant shiver down his spine.  
  
"I, um, hurt myself playing Quidditch." he said. He desperately wanted to spill the whole sad story to Caroline, although he'd only known her for about 10 minutes. He decided to wait so he wouldn't freak her out. They talked about uncontroversial things for the rest of the trip, like the different houses and which classes they figured would be the most fun. They got to the Great Hall, dripping because of the torrential downpour that awaited them off the train, and lined up at the front of the hall. One of the proffesors gave them a talk about what would be going on inside, and the doors opened. Remus spotted Sirius Black, the boy they'd met in the robe shop in the throng of people. They stayed lined up in a big hall full of people at long tables. A man at the front announced himself to be Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster. He went on for awhile about the school, and Caroline found herself staring at Rob. His black hair was plastered wet around his head and he was laughing with Remus about something. She quickly turned her attention back to Dumbledore. Rob wasn't her type, she told herself firmly. He was so wild and carefree, and she just...wasn't like that. It would never work...  
  
A tattered old hat, aptly named the "Sorting Hat" was brought out. It sang a cute little tune that basically stated it would be sorting them into either of the four houses that were in the school, and described each one. Sirius Black went up, and Rob and Remus watched with some interest as to where he'd go. He was sorted into Gryfinndor, the house that everyone said was the most desirable. Laura was sorted into Gryffindor, as was Caroline. Rob and Remus were as well. All of them sat in a group at the table.  
  
"Isn't this hilarious? We're all in the same house!" said Sirius, "Oh, who are these pretty ladies?" he asked, grinning at Laura and Caroline. They blushed, "Allow me to introduce myself. Sirius Black, Esquire." They all broke into peals of laughter, and dug into the feast that had materialized before their eyes.  
  
That night in the common room, Caroline sat on the couch next to Rob and looked excitedly up from her hand of exploding snap.  
  
"Oh my God this is going to be soooo much fun!!! I can't wait!" she cried.  
  
"Yeah, I never DREAMED I'd be going here. I was going to a muggle elementary when I got the letter. I was soooooo excited!" said Laura. Everyone else agreed. They finished that round of exploding snap, then went off to bed.  
  
The next morning, Remus read out their schedule over his bowl of oatmeal. There was Potions first, then Defense Agaisnt the Dark Arts, then Herbology, then Transfiguration. A girl walked over to their table when he was in mid-sentence.  
  
"Hi," she began, "I'm Sarah. I'm in Gryffindor too. This is Lily Evans. Can we sit here?"  
  
"Most definitely," said Sirius, "Have a seat." He patted the chair next to him. Sarah sat down gladly, and Lily sat down next to Rob, who was absorbed in his Transfiguration text and absentmindedly eating toast. Lily gazed at him and batted her eyelashes.  
  
"What's your name, handsome?" Rob looked over at her and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Robert Gordon. Friends call me Rob," he said.  
  
"Oh, I see. Am I a...friend?" she asked, smiling coyly at him.  
  
"Sure..." he said awkwardly, and held out a hand, "And you are?" Lily took his hand and shook it slowly.  
  
"Lily Evans..." she said, looking deep into his dark brown eyes, "Wow, I love your hair...it's so black and mysterious..." she put her face closer to his, "And your eyes...they're so...so..."  
  
"Um so what do you think Transfigurations going to be like I think it looks pretty cool," said Rob quickly, pointing at the text and shoving the rest of his toast into his mouth. Lily looked slightly put off, so she helped herself to pancakes.  
  
That morning in Potions, Lily was still looking fondly at Rob, but he did his best to ignore her and sat down. A young-looking wizard entered the room.  
  
"Hey people, I'll be your Potions master, Proffessor Trager." he said. He spoke with an American accent. " I don't believe in all that stupid introduction, let's get to know each other stuff, so I'll just read off your name, say here, or present or in the flesh, and I'll do my best to remember you. Then we'll divide up into partners. My name's Jonathan just so you know. Proffessor Trager sounds so stuffy...now then. Black, Sirius"  
  
"In the flesh!!!" called Sirius joyfully. Everyone laughed, and Professor Trager shook his head and said,  
  
"You're going to be a character, arent you?" He continued down the list, and set about dividing everyone into partners.  
  
"Normally I'd let you guys pick your own, but it's school policy here." He partnered them up. Remus ended up with Laura, Rob was with Caroline, Sarah was with Sirius, and Lily was with a boy named James. She looked pissed off about not having ended up with Rob.  
  
"What'd you make of that Lily girl?" said Rob to Caroline as they set up their potions things.  
  
"She's all right," said Caroline, "Why?"  
  
"She was hitting on me something awful...it was hilarious," said Rob. He and Caroline snickered quietly, and continued setting up.  
  
"OK folks," said Proffessor Trager at the front, "We're just gonna start with something simple...a shrinking serum. Take out your belladonna roots and leech spleens..." They made the potion with little trouble, except Sirius's usual antics. After class, everyone was raving about what a fantastic teacher Proffessor Trager was, and looking to see when they had him next. The rest of the morning came with a few surprises, which included Rob finding out that he was particularly good at Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Laura really taking a liking to Transfiguration. At lunch, everyone talked enthusiastically about their favorite classes, except Remus. He sat at the table ashen-faced, barely able to eat, and he looked really sick. Laura wrapped an arm around him.  
  
"You OK, Remus? You look sick..." He managed a weak half smile at her.  
  
"I've just caught a bit of a virus, that's all. I'll be OK." he said.  
  
"Are you sure?" asked Laura. Remus nodded, and Laura went warily back to her lunch, catching sideways glances at Remus. The rest of the day passed without any events, until that night when they were in the common room doing homework and complaining about what a slave driver the Astrology teacher was, that Laura noticed Remus was gone.  
  
"Hmm..." said Rob, "I don't know. He looked really sick earlier...maybe he's gone to the hospital wing..."  
  
"Could be," said Laura, but she looked doubtful. She glanced out the window, and saw as the clouds moved, a gigantic silvery full moon.  
  
Meanwhile, in the shrieking shack, near Hogsmeade, Remus was sitting up against a wall holding his head in his hands..  
  
It would be at any minute now he could feel it. The blood lust was becoming unbearable. The mind of the wolf slowly taking over. Instinct, gradually taking control. It was always the same but never less painful.  
  
An invisible force knocked the wind out of him as the moon finally rose. He cringed as familiar pain flooded through his body.  
  
He tried to support himself on his hands and knees, but his entire body shook and eventually he collapsed, defeated, on his side.  
  
He tried to scream. His voice caught in his throat and he started gasping for breath. He bit his lip as he felt bones, painfully rearrange themselves. His skin felt like it was tearing into pieces as golden brown fur started to appear all over his body.  
  
What felt like hours later Remus rested his head on the floor of the shack. He was close to drifting off when his ears perked up.  
  
His last conscious thought:  
  
"I smell blood" 


	2. Bloodshed in the Woods

The next morning Remus woke up on the floor of the shrieking shack. He looked around, and sighed in relief. It had just been a dream. He lay back down and let his senses come back to him. It only took a few seconds before he tensed up again, and began to panic. The familiar metallic taste of blood was all through his mouth.  
  
The best thing to do in these circumstances, he'd found, was to just get back to familiar surroundings before any recollection of the night revisited him. It was similar to getting blackout drunk, he assumed, so he'd heard on 20/20. When he stumbled back into the boys' dorm, everyone was still thankfully sleeping, so he went to clean himself up.  
  
Good thing they HADN'T seen him too, because he looked a treat. His jaw was smeared savagely with blood and his arms had gathered a collection of nasty looking gashes. He changed out of his now torn and tattered clothing into fresh robes and threw the other ones away. He washed his face and brushed his teeth a few times to get that guilty taste of blood from his mouth. But he couldn't escape the flashbacks. Right while he was trying to concentrate his thoughts on the scrubbing sounds of his toothbrush, like the needle on a record changing, some new scenes entered his head. They were like slides, or slow motion film. A boy running up ahead, frantically through the woods, with the faint smell of tobacco around him. He'd been in the woods for a secret cigarette. Himself pouncing on the boy, tearing, ripping, carnal pleasure coursing through him. Next, a sensation of fullness, accompanied by the image of a terribly mutilated corpse. That corpse, bloody and marred, just kept flashing like a gruesome picture from a horror movie. He sat himself down on the toilet, breathed deeply, and tried to remove that horrible scene from his brain. It helped when Rob came in, blurry-eyed and wild-haired, to wash his face.  
  
When he was suitably awakened, he looked over to Remus and said, "What's up, buddy? Not feeling good?" His voice cracked in the middle of the word good, and he turned red with embarrassment. Remus laughed in spite of himself.  
  
"Just a bit dizzy, that's all. I'm OK." Rob continued with his morning routine, neglecting to brush his hair however. They all lumbered down to the Great Hall and took seats around the girls they'd met, who were already there. Remus sat conspicuously next to Laura and asked sheepishly how she was doing. They carried on as extensive a conversation as the morning would allow. Remus was inwardly amused at how Rob hardly took his eyes off Caroline, and vice versa. Talking to Laura made Remus temporarily forget his problems, but all too soon the bell rang.  
  
Thank God they had Potions first, because Remus didn't think he could deal with any teacher but Trager. He'd fallen back into a black pit of depression. It was an effort barely to breathe, and he didn't think he'd even be able to say his name when Trager called it on the roll. But he nearly fainted when Trager came to one name.  
  
"Coles?" He called. When there was no answer, he continued in a Ferris Bueller-esque fashion, "Coles.Coles.Bueller.Bueller.Haha, guess Mikey's not here today." Everyone in the class laughed appreciatively while Remus began to quietly hyperventilate. That face in the memory. He'd known it. Michael Coles, who sat exactly one bench in front of him, and always had crazy dandruff flakes on his robes. No one knew where Mike was, except for Remus. The boy was hamburger meat somewhere in the Forbidden Forest.  
  
Reality began to dawn on him as the class progressed. As he mindlessly sliced some random root for insertion into the potion, his thoughts swam. They'd find the body sooner or later. Maybe they'd dismiss it to animals. That was partly true. But there would be saliva tests. There would be fiber samples. No doubt he'd left at least a shred of clothing on the body. Hair samples. Anything. They'd know. If they could determine suspects from a splatter of blood on the wall, they'd find Remus.  
  
Then the punishment. He'd be put away. Even if he WAS taken pity on, even if he did plead insane or something, they'd pronounce him a danger to society. He'd be kept in a room with one small window, and fed hard dinner rolls and water for the rest of his natural life. He'd have to writhe in unaided, unfulfilled agony on every full moon until he died. The more Remus looked at it, the more he knew there was only one way out of this. He stashed a scrap of paper, some ink and a quill in the pocket of his robe and asked to be excused to the bathroom.  
  
Remus ran down the hallway, his eyes livid with fear. Life wasn't worth living anymore. He couldn't bear the fact that he was a cold-blooded killer. It was better to just end his life here and save himself the misery of being a convict. He pushed himself into a boy's washroom and threw himself against the wall in the end stall.  
  
A trembling hand reached into his robes and extracted a large bottle of painkillers he'd swiped from the hospital wing. He eventually, with some difficulty, tipped the entire bottle down his throat. He sunk down the wall, waiting for what he hoped would be swift and painless death.  
  
It came in a rush of horror and anguish. Physically, Remus was sick until he couldn't move. Mentally he wanted nothing more than to live again, to see Rob and Sirius and especially Laura. But he had no choice now. Death was imminent as he lay down on the cold tile floor, blinded by pain. At that moment, the door swung open. There stood Jonathan and Sirius.  
  
"And so." Jonathan stopped what he was saying as he noticed Remus, sick, and lying down on the bathroom floor. "Oh my god. Sirius. go back to the classroom, and get me the blue vial on the top shelf of the 7th year's cabinet. fast."  
  
Sirius, who had been staring at Remus in horror, nodded, and bolted off down the hall.  
  
"Remus." Jonathan said, looking sick himself, "What the hell did you do."  
  
Remus didn't respond. He was dangerously close to blacking out now, and his vision was going blurry. Jonathan sat him up, and picked up the empty pill bottle lying on the ground nearby.  
  
"Oh fuck Remus," he gasped, looking from the bottle, to the dying boy in front of him. Just in time, Sirius burst into the room with the blue vial, closely tailed by Rob.  
  
"Rob wanted to come help," Sirius explained, handing him the bottle. Jonathan took it from him, and tipped its contents down Remus's throat.  
  
"And now we pray to god it works," Trager sighed. The only had to wait a minute before Remus's eyes started to flutter back open.  
  
"What's goin' on." he muttered drowsily, trying to sit up.  
  
"It'll be ok Remus," Trager sighed, helping him sit up. "You'll be ok."  
  
There was a knock at the door, and Caroline, Sarah and Laura all stepped inside the bathroom.  
  
"You're not supposed to be in here," Sirius said.  
  
"Do you think we care?" Laura snapped at him, then gasped when she saw Remus on the floor. "Oh my god. what happened."  
  
Trager didn't say anything, just held up the bottle of pills instead.  
  
She stood momentarily frozen in shock, then ran over to him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Oh god Remus, what the FUCK were you THINKING?"  
  
"Laura?" he mumbled, still really out of it.  
  
"We should get him to the hospital wing," Trager said, only to be ignored by the two of them.  
  
"How could you do that?" Laura continued in hysterics. "I mean, you're only 11! I'm not ever leaving you alone ever ever ever ever ever again! Even if I have to sleep with you to do it!" This caught Remus's attention, and he smiled slightly at the girl by his side. He wasn't fully coherent yet, but sleeping with her didn't sound bad to him at all.  
  
"Laura," Trager said, laughing at the expression that had come across Remus's face, "come on, let's get him to the hospital wing."  
  
Laura looked up at him I disbelief. "How can you be laughing at this?" she yelled at him. This only made Trager laugh harder.  
  
"Laura, I'm not laughing at what happened to Remus. I'm. oh never mind. Come on; let's get him out of here." She sighed, but reluctantly agreed to let him go. 


End file.
